CHAPTER II Contrary to what many women believe, it's fairly easy to develop a long-term, stable, intimate and mutually fulfilling relationship with a guy. This is the only way you can be sure of getting a guy to a medical-care facility in a timely manner if he has, for example, injured himself during a touch-football game, and you have pointed out that there are bones sticking from his body, plus some aortal bleeding, but he is claiming that this condition will probably go away on its own. They don't have to settle for merely dropping the occasional commode off of the occasional rooftop to see what happens; they can have working Air Force bombers.
Of course, this guy has to be a Labrador retriever. This is because guys don't really grasp what women mean by the term relationship. In this case you should fire a dart or two into his body, let him stagger around for a few more plays until he collapses, then strap him to the trunk of the car and take him to the hospital. Do they finally realize that there's more to life than clicking the remote control and talking about sports? True guys continue to be guys, no matter how old or allegedly responsible they get. I am writing these words the morning after attending a National Basketball Association playoff game in Miami between the Miami Heat and the Atlanta Toad Excrements (not that I am biased).
He did lose the one eye, but after the doctors got the arrow out, they were amazed to discover that he had suffered no brain damage. This occurred at the Medical Center of Central Massachusetts. Proceed with the operation as soon as possible, then hash out his disagreement with the anesthesiologist later. Proceed with the operation as soon as possible, then bring the matter to the attention of the hospital authorities. Proceed with the operation as soon as possible, and try to put the incident out of his mind.
But some males - these were the original guys - really liked sitting around. Guys in the Industrial Revolution The Industrial Revolution saw the world's economic landscape radically transformed by technological breakthroughs in mechanization, steam power and mass production, thereby permitting the emergence of capitalistic free markets, the creation of vast wealth, and the rise of the middle class as the dominant social element in an urban-industrial society. At one time Arcola was a major producer of broom corn, which is a type of corn used to make brooms. I didn't know they even made a traveling case for the Salad Shooter"). Back then the clan was the basic unit of society, with the roles of males and females clearly defined. And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. It's 87 degrees out, and this thing is shifting like a garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieving cretins 600 dollars. And Elaine is thinking: Maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. When the anesthesiologist got hit by the sponge, he realized immediately that it would be idiotic to escalate this petty incident by responding to such a childish act, so he ignored it. There is an old saying among guys that goes: "A guy who gets hit by a sponge and does not strike back is the kind of weenie who probably also would refuse to jeopardize his life and the lives of innocent people in a confrontation over a parking space." And so the anesthesiologist and the surgeon, in the words of the Boston Globe, "began punching each other and fell to the floor." Right there in the operating room. All that happened was that both guys were admonished and fined by the state medical board, as well as being placed on five years probation by the hospital. I am talking about a unique guy physical problem, a severe genetic handicap that poses a grave risk to the health of the guy body; namely, it is under the control of the guy mind. Guys will generally not seek medical treatment, for themselves or for others, except in certain clear-cut situations, such as decapitation. Is the next generation ready to step up and carry on the guy tradition, with all the responsibilities it entails?Thus the basic food-gathering responsibility fell on the shoulders of the males, who would go off for days at a time to hunt the mighty dinosaur. They had to dig an enormous deep hole, then disguise it by covering it with frail branches, then hide in the bushes waiting for a mighty dinosaur to come along and fall into the trap. Sitting around for no reason under the guise of being engaged in productive work was the first real guy contribution to human civilization, forming the underlying basis for many modern institutions and activities such as fishing, sales conferences, highway repair, the federal government and "Customer Service." Ancient Egyptian guys The most significant achievement of ancient Egyptian guys occurred at the funeral of the great Pharaoh Amentooten III, when some guys invented the famous "Substitute Mummy Filled With Live Weasels" prank. I met Ted through an outfit that he co-founded, along with a co-guy named Pat Monahan: The World Famous Lawn Rangers Precision Lawn Mower Drill Team of Arcola, Ill. But these negatives are far outweighed by the numerous contributions that guys make to society - positive contributions, vital contributions, contributions that are in no way diminished by the fact that I can't, off-hand, think of what they are. Let's say a guy named Roger is attracted to a woman named Elaine. The crowd around me was mostly guys in their 40s and older - husbands and fathers with responsible, demanding south Florida jobs such as stockbroker, doctor, lawyer, narcotics kingperson, etc. He asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time. I am certain that these guys think of themselves as mature and rational individuals. If you guessed that it was a sensitive and meaningful ceremony, wherein the guys hugged each other and played drums and shared their deepest masculine feelings, you have not been paying close attention to this book. Perhaps you would like to guess what the ritual consisted of.And then, one evening when they're driving home, a thought occurs to Elaine, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: "Do you realize that, as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly six months? Maybe he's been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn't want or isn't sure of. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I'd have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily toward . Because after all, it's just a movie; there's no reason to get all emotional about it. I don't care what those morons say, it's still not shifting right. That's exactly what they're gonna say, the scumballs. So we prefer to get our anger right out into the open, where it can do some damage. The anesthesiologist, as a guy, had no choice but to retaliate. This would have been really serious, because a guy in the heat of battle will strike out with whatever is at hand, and you could get a newspaper story with a headline like: SURGEON HELD IN ORGAN ASSAULT BLUDGEONS ANESTHESIOLOGIST WITH ELDERLY WOMAN'S GALLBLADDER Fortunately, this did not happen. And I am not talking here about the obvious peaks and valleys. These are the core values that have been preserved by guys throughout the millennia. What will happen when the current generation of guys passes away, possibly as a result of trebuchet-related injuries? A single-sock load would not be out of the question, for a guy. Yes, but that is not the cause of laundry impairment. A typical reaction came from my research department, Judi Smith, who gave the following statement regarding her husband Tim, a Ph. college professor: "I don't trust him to do my laundry at all, unless I've sorted it first and given him strict instructions before each and every load, because otherwise everything we own would be mauve or gray." CHAPTER IV Over the years, guys have taken a lot of vicious abuse. It just happens that there are also countless guys who have really Made a Difference; guys who have performed feats of unsung heroism; guys who - when Old Man Trouble reared his head and somebody needed to take action; when it was the bottom of the ninth with two out and men on first and second and the home team trailing by two and somebody had to step to the plate and stroke the long ball; when it was fourth and eight with two minutes to go and there was no tomorrow for either team and it was a question of who really had the Desire and the Will to Win; when push had come to shove and it was time to separate the sheep from the goats by either cutting bait or getting off the pot; when there were two atheists in the foxhole and a penny saved was a penny earned and you had to walk eight miles to school barefoot in the snow and a loaf of bread cost a nickel, but nobody had a nickel and the most you could expect in your Christmas stocking was some used chewing gum, but you didn't complain, no, sir, because there was a Depression going on and times were tough for everybody, not like today, when kids have Nintendo games and trust funds and they walk around in the 7 sneakers with their baseball caps on backward, which makes about as much sense as (they probably do this, too, and I don't want to know about it) wearing a jockstrap backward, and don't get me started on all this body-piercing going on among young people today, some of them putting rings in their noses, for heaven's sake, which does not seem sanitary at all, which is why, although I ordinarily do not favor government intervention into the lives of individual citizens, I feel there ought to be a federal law stating that before you get your nose pierced, you should have to take an IQ test, which would consist of one question ("Do you want to get your nose pierced? And I will admit that most guys here on Earth do not do any more laundry than they absolutely have to. DO NOT TOUCH THIS GARMENT UNLESS YOU ARE WEARING STERILIZED SURGICAL GLOVES. This is why women are reluctant to let men near the laundry, as was shown by a nationwide survey of several women I know.