Being "gay" is not an identity they are prepared to assume.
They don't feel comfortable in the heterosexual community where they must continuously edit their thoughts and behaviors so as not to be discovered.
Once I aligned my sexual attraction, sexual behavior and my self-identity, the dissonance I had felt for much of my life disappeared.Many gay activists consider all closeted men who have sex with men (MSM) to be gay men in hiding, illegitimate members of the gay community.Bisexual activists and the MSM themselves often use "bisexual," but many of these MSM have not found the peace and freedom that comes with congruence of attraction, behavior and identity.Many scientists prefer a definition based exclusively on attraction because behavior and identity are more fluid.For some behavior and self-definitions may evolve over time.They are unwelcomed by the gay community; some would say they are bisexuals by default.One said, "I want to have a good relationship with guys, kinda best friends, but my friends have to be bisexual because if we have the same situation, we can relate to each other.But there are many, many MSM who are depressed and anxious because their attraction, their behavior and their identity are not in alignment.We seek connectedness, but to be connected we have to allow ourselves to be vulnerable, to be seen, really seen, by another. They know they are just one piece of information away from being abandoned by the closest people in their lives." He responded, "I don't want to spend the rest of my life alone.I want to have kids and grandchildren." I then asked him if he was sexually attracted to his wife or if his attraction was based on his attraction to the privileges of the traditional one man, one woman, and monogamy.