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[Ladies — guys are noticing you, but it’s not that easy for us to approach you, just so you know.

It’s not a trivial thing to put yourself out there and risk your dignity with a total stranger.

I recently had this 5-day email exchange with one of my readers.

It brought up a lot of issues which I’ve found are not just common amongst women but pretty much universal. And it seems as if the prettier and more talented a person is, the lower her self-esteem.

[Approximately 5 squintillion other people also read or watched , so if it’s a sin, it’s a pretty universal one] I don’t have any pictures of me in that outfit – I usually avoid taking pictures of myself because no matter how good I look in person, I end up looking awful on camera.

The pictures I sent you are a bit old (maybe one or two years or so), but I haven’t changed my appearance at all, really. I’m very petite – 5’2″ on a good day, 110-115 pounds or so (I never weigh myself unless I’m at a doctor’s, so I can’t say for sure), huge curly hair, now with red cat-eye glasses. I’m a huge analyzer because I’m a scientist and evaluating something from all angles is required for my job.

Clearly this is a woman who is highly educated, intelligent, and likely a perfectionist (read: pointlessly hard on herself). I went by myself – which is a huge step outside of my comfort zone – because I know groups of girlfriends can intimidate guys.

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If you are going out for the purpose of meeting guys, go with someone who’s about as good-looking as you are or less so.

I’d much rather be receptive and have them come to me (I am a masculine energy person since I’ve been single for my whole life and have to do everything myself, so I’m trying very hard to accept my feminine energy, which I deny a lot of the time because I connote femininity with being weak).

Then I at least know they find me interesting and I don’t feel like they’re just humoring me if I talk to them first. Even better, have you asked your mom how long she was in labor to bring you to the planet? -AB] I guess the reason I feel so down about this right now is because I feel like no guys notice me while all my friends are super happy with fantastic boyfriends.

Well, in this department, you’re also not a potted plant. So yes, you did some things right (eg dressing up, showing up). Most important, you didn’t seize control of your own destiny, and that’s what I sense is missing here. [Notice the expressions like “nerd out” or “off-the-wall TV shows” carry an implicit negative judgment about her perfectly normal tastes and tendencies. -AB] So I guess I just don’t know what to talk to them about, so I don’t know how to lead into a conversation or be flirty (I’m TERRIBLE at it.). And I don’t have any other single girls to turn to – almost everyone I know is in a serious relationship or engaged.

If there’s someone you want to speak to, speak to him. I don’t want to hear “it will happen soon when you’re not looking” anymore, especially now that it’s the holidays and I know I’ll have to fend off questions from my family.

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